Tell a Fairy Tale Day

For my final day at work,¹ my coworkers surprised me with a story they collectively wrote in observance of Tell a Fairy Tale Day.

Each section was written by a different person with the intent to liven up the workplace on this day full of bittersweet goodbyes.

Enjoy!

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Once upon a time, there was a boy named Ace who not only was a pioneer in his field, but also was rumored to have Superman-like powers.

One morning Ace came into work as usual to find an interesting object at his desk. An object so enchanting, so magical, that only Ace could control its power.

As Ace drew nearer the object began to hum and vibrate and shoot out pulses of neon green light.

Fearing it could be kryptonite, he immediately picked it up, ran outside, and hurled it into the sky, where a red-tailed hawk swooped down and grabbed it with his talons.

The hawk, greedy for the mouth-watering catch, looked down and before he knew it, a flock of Canadian geese knocked him from the sky. He tumbled and lost his prized catch.

Needless to say, there on the ground was a big grizzly bear named Ol’ Joe. Now, Ol’ Joe was able to find the neon green light object pulsing rapidly in the dirt. Having also found the red-tailed hawk lying there and not responding to his call, Ol’ Joe snatched up the object and began to run—running like nobody’s business.

Ol’ Joe ran till he came to a raging river. He set down the stone to figure out how to cross. Suddenly the red-tailed hawk, now recovered, swooped down and took the stone and looked for Ace. The hawk knew it was meant for Ace.

The stone was meant to harm him! The hawk had a difficult decision to make. Not wanting to make the decision alone, the hawk flew to the city, seeking guidance from his cousin, the street pigeon.

On his way to the city, the hawk flew over Ace. Ace, having a very high Midi-chlorian count, felt the presence of the stone above him. Ace brought forth his magic wand, pointed it at the hawk and with a swish and a flick movement and speaking the “vera verto” spell, he turned the hawk into an umbrella, the object of mystery balanced in the crook of the handle. Ace was giddy with anticipation as he anxiously awaited.

Alas, a strong wind caught the umbrella and carried it many miles to the west. It finally came to rest in the outskirts of the desolate village of Ville de Russia. There lurked the evil wizard, Mavid Dakey and his simple-minded henchman, Kam Slennert.

Kam, who was known for his braying laughter, rushed over to grab the green stone when he heard over the intercom, “Alright you lazy bastards, time to stop screwing around with this story bullshit and make our glorious president Mark Fernandes ‘with an s’ look like we are selling RIBs!”

Recognizing the voice over the intercom as that of Dutton James Hewetson IV, Ace donned his Judo gi, applied the shine-waza technique to that tyrant, and rescued his coworkers from the clutches of despair.

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1 I got a new job in Bloomington. More on this in a future post!^↩

Web Guy

You’re the web guy

I hear that a lot at work. I am the company’s web developer after all.

My title doesn’t completely describe my role though. In addition to coding websites, I also write copy and work on graphic design, both of which come together in marketing and web development.

When I began my job, I was asked what I wanted my official title to be: web designer or web developer. To the company, my title choice would not affect my responsibilities; I would be doing the same work regardless of my title.

I chose “web developer” because I knew I would be responsible for every aspect of the company’s websites. Also, “developer” implies that I’ll be tinkering with code. More specifically, I consider myself to be a front-end developer.

Because web development takes place on a computer, I’m also known as a “computer guy” around the office. I become the backup IT guy when the IT guy is out. This often involves restarting a computer, downloading RAM, or installing Google Ultron.

I’ve got things under control.

Know your role, Jabroni

Sometimes actors are known for a specific role and become typecast in that role. Sometimes comedians are pigeonholed into a schtick.¹ Sometimes the company web developer experiences the same prejudice.

As the web guy, I am sometimes overlooked for projects that don’t relate to, well, the web.

For example, our sales manager once asked me to look up the cost to outsource white papers about our product applications. He asked me because, as the web guy, my Google-fu is impressive.² However, as the English degree guy, the idea of outsourcing writing jobs in my own place of employment irked me.

Instead, I downloaded some of my own writing samples and presented them in his office. I looked him in the eye and told him that I was willing to write the document.

After a bit of convincing, he assigned me the task. He knew about my English major background, but he didn’t ask me because he wasn’t sure what kind of writing I could do. He’s also used to me being the web guy.

I don't want to give the impression that I'm complaining about my job. On the contrary, I really enjoy my job and I’m glad to have the opportunity to use my entire skill set to benefit the company.

My complaint is on the sociological implications of job titles in the workplace—a problem that isn't exclusive to my company, but companies all across the country. But that's a research project for another time.

This blog post is about a web guy that wants to write more than code. So let's get back to that.

What would you say you do here?

Look, I already told you: I deal with the written word so my coworkers don’t have to! I have writing skills; I am good at dealing with writing! Can’t you understand that? What is wrong with you people?!

Sorry, I’ve worked in an office space for too long.

There’s no single label or title for my skill set. I develop websites and I write copy.

I generally don’t like labels. I think labels lead to prejudice, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.³ But I wouldn’t be writing this in the first place if it wasn’t for my label.

In a dream world, my perfect title would be “digital rhetorician.” I use rhetoric to present information though digital media, specifically though writing, graphic design, and web design. But “digital rhetorician” is meaningless to most people, which defeats the purpose of a title in the first place.

Until I figure out a better title, I’ll stick with “web guy.” My web powers may not help me fight crime, but they pay the bills.

Oh, and I can write stuff too.

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1 You should check out the deaf guy on YouTube.^↩

2 Googling is half my job.^↩

3 Not to be confused with bigotry, which is always a bad thing.^↩

Done and [Hopefully] Tasteful

It’s better done than perfect.

This is a concept I struggle with constantly.

I don’t consider myself a perfectionist. The word “perfectionist” carries a negative tone. I picture a stressed out student working hard to get As for the semester. The only moment of respite comes after grades are posted before Christmas break. “That’s great! Now I’ve got to think about my grades for next semester.”

Oh, wait. I was that student.

But I didn’t get perfect grades in all my classes. There was always a class that I got an A- in or, God forbid, a B. It’s not a 4.0, but I am proud of my GPA.

I remember many late nights of studying, working on projects, and writing papers—nothing out of the ordinary. But I also remember when I spent extra time putting the “finishing touches” on a project or paper.

My habits paid off for the projects I spent extra time on. But it also led to neglected work for other classes and a lack of sleep.

And I’m still in this cycle.

I want to be a better writer. I want to be a better web developer. But I keep bogging myself down with never-ending tweaks to my projects.

Even now, I find myself trying to edit while I write. Yes, editing is important, but I lose my flow of thought and my pace slows down significantly. If I’m not producing in a timely manner, I fall into a rut.

I recently watched an inspiring video in which Ira Glass, a public radio icon, describes the gap between our personal taste and the quality of our own work.



My favorite line from the video is: “The most important thing you can do is do a lot of work.”

It’s not complicated. Everybody knows that practice makes perfect. But we hear “practice makes perfect” so much in our culture that it carries very little meaning. Mr. Glass is simply reminding us what that phrase is supposed to mean.

So I wrote this blog post.

Because I need to get things done. Because I’m tired of personal roadblocks. Because I want to build better habits.

I’m not going to settle for “good enough.” Instead, my goal is to settle for tasteful enough. My taste will let me know that my work is not perfect. That’s okay—it means I recognize the ways I want to improve. It’s my responsibility to take this knowledge and apply it to my future projects.

After all, a piece of work is better done and tasteful than incomplete and imperfect.

Say My Name

The other day, I was at Panera to get my favorite soup and sandwich combo.¹

It was the usual process: the cashier asked for my order, I gave her my order, and I gave her money. At places like Panera, however, the cashier asks for a name.

I hesitated. She wants to know my name?

I regained my bearing and said, “Howard.”

She smiled, thanked me, and handed me the receipt. I noticed a twinkle of suspicion in her eye. What kind of person has to think of their own name?

Apparently the kind of person named Ace.

I used to give restaurants and coffee shops my first name. Because my name is unique, I usually have to repeat myself or spell it out. Then I brace myself for the reaction.

Typically, there are three kinds of reactions when I introduce myself. I get interrogated, complimented, and/or denied.

Some reactions are easier to reply to than others—it all depends on whether someone wants to make my life difficult.

Interrogation

“Is Ace your real name?”
“Is Ace a nickname?”
“Like Ace Frehley?”
“Like Ace Ventura?”
“Like Ace Young?” ²
“How did you end up with that name?”

Most of these questions lead to single-word answers: Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes.

However, the final question requires a history lesson about my family.

Once upon a time, I had a great uncle named Asa whose nickname was “Ace.” My dad thought the nickname was neat, and I happened to receive that name. I lived happily until a cashier interrogated me.

Sometimes I don’t want to give a history lesson.

Sometimes I just want some food.

Compliments

The following is not a complaint against compliments. As a culture that is obsessed with bad news and obsessed with feeling outraged towards bad news, it’s nice when we acknowledge something positive.

With that said, I don’t feel like I deserve compliments for my name.

I appreciate the thought and I always say “thank you.” But what else am I supposed to say?

I didn’t do anything to earn my name—it was given to me at birth.

Should I call my parents so you can personally compliment them on their taste in names? Should I tell you about my family history before you interrogate me? Should I make up a story about how I earned my name in a past life as a WWI fighter pilot?

Am I thinking too deeply into these compliments?

Probably.

I should just say “thank you.”

Denial

The most frustrating but, thankfully, the most uncommon response to my name is denial.

I’ve met skeptical folks who refuse to accept my name. After I introduce myself, these people would assume at least one of the following:

• I’m joking.
• I’m trying to be cool.
• I’m trying to force a nickname.

Thankfully, I don’t have to interact with these people for more than a few minutes. It’s not worth the effort to convince them otherwise, especially if I never see these people again.

It’s easier to smile and nod.

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Whenever I must surrender my name, I use my last name: Howard.

I’m not a pilot, I’m not a poker star, and I don’t “ace” everything I do.

Why is my name Ace? It’s because my parents named me Ace. But unless we’re going to interact for more than a few minutes, my name is Howard.

Now...

Say my name.

via wifflegif

<sup>1. [The Sierra Turkey sandwich and broccoli cheddar soup.]↩
2. [Thanks to the ephemeral fame of American Idol contestants, I don’t hear this one anymore.]↩</sup>

A New Chapter (Part 2)

Check out Part 1 if you haven't already.

To recap, I've recently gone through some lifestyle changes. I imagine Dr. Seuss would have said:

Some changes are significant,
some changes are so small.
It's the changes that we learn from
that matter most of all.

It's amazing how a simple rhyme can sound profound (see: rhyme-as-reason effect). It's like I just gave a short graduation speech.

Anyway, let's get started.

I abandoned my flip phone.

This blue workhorse had always been good to me.

It woke me every morning with its sweet melody. It remembered important things like phone numbers and appointments. Through my busy schedule and all-nighters, this phone was a constant that kept my life in order.

When I neglected to charge this phone, it survived for an entire week. The phone willed itself to stay alive because it knew how much I depended on it.

However, I did not reciprocate the care my phone gave me.

I've dropped it more times than I can count. I've stupidly thrown it in frustration. I eventually stopped flinching when its battery ejected on impact.

And now I am putting down this workhorse like it has a broken leg.

I received an iPhone 4 from a coworker. By today's standards, this phone is old and sluggish. By my standards, it's the most advanced piece of technology that had ever touched the lint of my pocket. It does everything my old phone can do and more...

As long as I never drop it and I charge it daily, that is. The iPhone's delicate nature demands that I treat it with more care than I've ever given my flip phone in its entire life. I can only hope for the kind of reliability I've grown accustomed to for the past four years.

I'm sorry, old friend. I didn't deserve you.

I joined a new martial art.

If I'm not getting choked or locked in an arm bar, I'm unsatisfied.

No, I'm not into that stuff. I just enjoy martial arts.

The feeling had been nagging at me for months. I had been so focused on finishing school and getting a job that I neglected one of my favorite hobbies: Judo.

Unfortunately, the nearest Judo club was an hour away from my new apartment. Unless I wanted to commute a couple more hours a day, I would have to take a break from Judo.

However, this didn't mean I would have to take a break from grappling. I looked up other martial arts in the area and found a Jiu-Jitsu club nearby.

Judo and Jiu-Jitsu are sister martial arts. Both are grappling arts with their own distinctions: Judo focuses on throwing techniques and Jiu-Jitsu focuses on ground techniques. There is a lot of overlap between the two disciplines and many martial artists cross-train in both.

I decided to give it a shot.

After my first class, I knew I found the right club. The instructor is very knowledgeable, the students are supportive, I got my butt kicked, and I had a blast. I didn't find a martial art; I found a missing part of my life.

I could see myself doing this thing for a long time.

Turning the Page...

The past year has been one for the books.

The absolute biggest change in my life is my freedom to make decisions. As you've read, I've made a few big decisions already. I can only hope for more positive opportunities in the future.

My goals for the year revolve around growing as both a web developer and a writer. I'm going to make a solid effort to code and write more regularly. I would especially like to start putting out weekly blog posts instead of whenever-I-get-around-to-it posts.

After all, the only way to improve is to practice. Not a game—we're talking about practice.

A New Chapter (Part 1)

I normally don't write about myself, but I'll give it a shot.

Since my last post, I've traveled a long way on my journey through life. I've accomplished major goals and I've gone through lifestyle changes. I've made big decisions and accepted new responsibilities.

I'm a big boy now.

It's exciting and unnerving how much can change in just a year. I'll go over a few highlights.

I graduated from Ball State University.

These past four years were a blur. The nights were never long enough to have fun with friends, but they were barely long enough to finish my projects. I managed to fit in eating and playing video games, although I had to work around my sleep schedule.

I graduated as an English major with a Computer Science minor. Despite horror stories of unemployed English majors, I was fortunate enough to get a job before I graduated.

I started a new job.

I was hired as a Web Developer for an electronics company called Functional Devices, Inc.

As you might guess, my primary job is to maintain and develop the company's websites and databases. I work with the engineering department to keep our product information up-to-date.

I'm also a part of the marketing department where I'm responsible for updating our web banners and our social media profiles.

I even have my own window.

I'm living on my own.

I spent my first month commuting for nearly three hours a day. My schedule was soul-crushing, but the idea of having a real income kept me going.

I was finally able to lease an apartment fifteen minutes away from work. Up until then, getting up at 7:00 meant that I overslept. I'm now able to function as a proper human being.

Currently, I don't have any roommates. For the first time, I am truly independent.

At my apartment, I've got two rules:

1. Pants are optional.
2. There are no rules.

Living alone is everything I thought it could be.

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These are just a few of my new experiences. I'll go into more detail in upcoming posts.

This past year, I've learned a lot and I've grown as a person. I'm so thankful for my friends and family who all shaped me into the person I am today.

Seriously, thank you.

Good Cop/Bad Cop

The other day, I was cruising down the highway when I saw a sheriff run a stop sign and merge into oncoming traffic. I quickly slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting him.

As he shot across the highway, I noticed his lights weren't flashing, the siren wasn't blaring, and the man wasn't even in uniform.

Seriously?

Just because you enforce the law doesn't mean you're above it. Last time I checked, stop signs were designed to facilitate traffic and help prevent accidents. Just because another officer won't pull you over doesn't mean that your actions won't lead to negative consequences.

Thankfully, there wasn't an accident and no one was harmed... this time.

I guess he deserves the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there was an emergency. Even so, why didn't he at least put his lights on? Why didn't he use his horn? Why didn't he yield to traffic? Regardless, it was a reckless move for a trained officer of the law.

Although the situation was benign, there is no reason for an officer to take advantage of his/her power. Just because cops can get away with traffic laws doesn't mean they should.

Have these guys ever watched Spider-Man? They could learn a thing or two from Uncle Ben.

I'm not preaching that cops are bad; to say so would be prejudiced. I'm sure there are more good cops who do honest work than bad cops who abuse their authority.

As with any job, however, nobody cares until someone messes up. Based on what the media feeds us, the public is mostly interested in cases of abused power, hypocrisy, and corruption. I know my interest piques when I hear about our law enforcers bullying bystanders, driving drunk, and beating up teenage girls.

While this negative media attention may fuel people's anti-cop beliefs, it helps keep a check on the dark side of law enforcement.

And as Officer Reckless has demonstrated, the dark side can be very tempting.